A Weapon of Mass Distraction

It was probably a mistake to eat at Chick-Fil-A. After all, it was founded by Truett Cathy, a role model for the Religion Right in the heart of the Bible Belt, Hapeville, Georgia. But Orange Julius stopped making Chicago Dogs at this mall location, so chicken sounded okay.

So, we got our sandwiches and seated ourselves at a table, and we noticed to our dismay that the group of 4 who parked their butts right next to us were quite dirty looking and more than just a little disheveled.

One of the women in the group was sitting with her back to us and had, get this, at least 2 feet of toilet paper sticking out from her jeans waist.

I thought I was going to be sick. The end of the paper had that little pinched-off end, you know, like after you tear it from those industrial-size toilet rolls. I guess the paper kinda got stuck in her, uh, well, you, when she wiped, and she pulled her jeans up and had no idea she was dragging along a train of paper.

Why couldn't it have been stuck to her shoe? But noooo, it was her butt.

I stared at my sandwich, appetite suddenly gone, and kept telling myself to think of nice things, like blue skies and white clouds...no, wait, that's the name of a toilet paper brand...um, okay, puppies and kittens....no, they poop, too. Sunrises! Sunsets!

Just when I had my nausea under control, the lone man in this little troupe began a prayer. And he prayed and prayed and gave thanks to God for his little Chick-Fil-A sandwich and waffle fries. He thanked God for the little packets of ketchup and Kraft Mayonnaise. He thanked the All Mighty for the pickles and lettuce and tomatoes. He thanked God loudly and in great length, so much so that people coming into the dining area with their meals, stopped, stared and then seated themselves on the other side of the restaurant. (We should have done the same.)

And THEN HIS GIRLFRIEND had to give thanks. And she prayed and prayed, while he yawned, which I thought was rather funny considering. She earnestly, yes more earnestly than he, gave her sincere and heart-felt thanks for her sandwich, fries AND THE SOFT DRINK, which he had failed to mention in his prayer. And she reassured God many times that she was REALLY AND TRULY GRATEFUL.

I was thinking that she should pray for God to remove that piece of toilet paper from her friend's butt crack.

And then it occurred to me that Spouse and I were in a rather God-like position. We could intervene and save the unknowing victim from the toilet paper embarrassment OR we could do nothing.

What would it be?

So we asked ourselves, What Would God Do? And the answer was simple.

Nothing.

It's Almost Halloween

Short scary story.

This is my contribution to a new literary genre called Flash Fiction. In this example, I try to say as much as I can with as few words and still achieve the desired effect upon the reader. So here goes.

George Bush is Still President.

The End.

Philosophical Quote for the Day

In some remote corner of that universe which is dispersed into numberless twinkling solar systems, there was a star upon which clever animals invented Recognition. That was the most arrogant and mendacious minute of “world history,” but in any event it was never more than a minute.

After nature had drawn a few breaths, the star cooled and congealed, and thus the clever animals had to die. One might invent such a fable, and yet he still would not have adequately illustrated how pathetic, how shadowy and transient, how aimless and arbitrary is this human intellect from the perspective of nature. There were eternities during which it did not exist. And when the story of humankind and its intellect has gone to its end, nothing will have happened. For this intellect has no additional mission which would lead it beyond human life.

Rather, it is human, and only its possessor and begetter takes it seriously–as though the world’s axis turned in its midst. But if we could communicate with the gnat, we would learn that he likewise flies through the air with the same solemnity, that he feels the flying center of the universe within himself. There is nothing so reprehensible and unimportant in nature that it would not immediately swell up like a balloon at the slightest puff of this power of knowing. And just as every porter wants to have an admirer, so even the proudest of men, the philosopher, supposes that he sees on all sides the eyes of the universe telescopically focused upon his action and thought.

–Friedrich Nietzsche, Über Wahrheit und Lüge im außermoralischen Sinn sec. 1 (1873) in: Werke in drei Bänden, vol. 3, p. 309 (K. Schlechta ed. 1969)(S.H. transl.)

And we wonder why he killed himself.