A Weapon of Mass Distraction

It was probably a mistake to eat at Chick-Fil-A. After all, it was founded by Truett Cathy, a role model for the Religion Right in the heart of the Bible Belt, Hapeville, Georgia. But Orange Julius stopped making Chicago Dogs at this mall location, so chicken sounded okay.

So, we got our sandwiches and seated ourselves at a table, and we noticed to our dismay that the group of 4 who parked their butts right next to us were quite dirty looking and more than just a little disheveled.

One of the women in the group was sitting with her back to us and had, get this, at least 2 feet of toilet paper sticking out from her jeans waist.

I thought I was going to be sick. The end of the paper had that little pinched-off end, you know, like after you tear it from those industrial-size toilet rolls. I guess the paper kinda got stuck in her, uh, well, you, when she wiped, and she pulled her jeans up and had no idea she was dragging along a train of paper.

Why couldn't it have been stuck to her shoe? But noooo, it was her butt.

I stared at my sandwich, appetite suddenly gone, and kept telling myself to think of nice things, like blue skies and white clouds...no, wait, that's the name of a toilet paper brand...um, okay, puppies and kittens....no, they poop, too. Sunrises! Sunsets!

Just when I had my nausea under control, the lone man in this little troupe began a prayer. And he prayed and prayed and gave thanks to God for his little Chick-Fil-A sandwich and waffle fries. He thanked God for the little packets of ketchup and Kraft Mayonnaise. He thanked the All Mighty for the pickles and lettuce and tomatoes. He thanked God loudly and in great length, so much so that people coming into the dining area with their meals, stopped, stared and then seated themselves on the other side of the restaurant. (We should have done the same.)

And THEN HIS GIRLFRIEND had to give thanks. And she prayed and prayed, while he yawned, which I thought was rather funny considering. She earnestly, yes more earnestly than he, gave her sincere and heart-felt thanks for her sandwich, fries AND THE SOFT DRINK, which he had failed to mention in his prayer. And she reassured God many times that she was REALLY AND TRULY GRATEFUL.

I was thinking that she should pray for God to remove that piece of toilet paper from her friend's butt crack.

And then it occurred to me that Spouse and I were in a rather God-like position. We could intervene and save the unknowing victim from the toilet paper embarrassment OR we could do nothing.

What would it be?

So we asked ourselves, What Would God Do? And the answer was simple.

Nothing.